A while ago my mother asked me to book her a flight to spend the summer here. I knew it was coming because she tries to come every summer. As soon as she asked me to book the flight, my mind had started this race. I instantly started to assemble this list of the all the things that needed to be done before she arrives:
- paint the walls
- take the rug to the cleaners
- lose weight
The list went on, but the most important was losing weight. I’ve never been “skinny”. I think, unless i starve myself, my very wide hips and large thighs will never make me look skinny. This item on the list was important because my weight has been a never-ending issue for my mother. There isn’t a phone conversation that doesn’t include her telling me how she eats, how she goes to zumba, how i should eat, how men don’t like fatties, blah blah blah. When the time for her arrival had neared, I realized that I hadn’t completed any task on my list. I managed to start a diet and workout but with no real results, i had only lost a fluctuating 3 lbs. Let me tell you that the week before that plane landed I was a wreck. I was stressed out and surely annoying the fuck out of my boyfriend, asking him to take me here and there because the things on my list were not done. The day she got here, I carefully chose what i was going to wear.
“no these jeans give me muffin top but their the only clean ones i’ve got”
“i definitely can’t wear this shirt with it, she’ll clearly see my stomach hanging over”
“uugghgg, why don’t i own a coset or something???”
“oh no i won’t have time to put on my make-up”
Like I said I was a wreck. I was upset on the ride to the airport because I couldn’t get my makeup done at home and i had to do it on the road with whatever i could manage to throw in my purse before leaving the house. I’ve never been this stressed about a first date but when mom comes it feels like a first date. My mom wants me to be this 26 yr old bombshell who has her hair and make up done 24/7 and the body that all men desire. At the same time, she wants me to be this genius who has no trouble passing her classes. I am neither. I hate school more now than ever and i am overweight for my height.
Even a normal conversation is a fail with her. Last night i was watching videos of people who have done a raw vegan diet and i decided that I was going to try it for a week seeing as i love fruits and veggies anyway ( i also really love steak and chicken but i think i can go without it for a week, we’ll see!). I woke up in a good mood, ready to share my new found goal with my mother, and when i said good morning she was mumbling about the dirty dishes. I said,
Me: you know what i’m going to try
Me: I’m gonna try a raw vegan diet. It’s just all kinds of veggies and fruits.
-__- and that set my mood for the next couple of hours. In my mothers eyes, I guess, I will never be perfect. I’ll just always be her chunky oldest daughter who got her veterinary medicine degree by the skin of her teeth.