The world is fucked you guys. Everyday a little piece of me gives in to living a life of fuckery. Maybe next week I’ll dye my hair rainbow. Maybe I’ll dye my dogs’ hair rainbow. Maybe I’ll dye my boyfriends’ hair rainbow while he sleeps. Maybe I’ll go skydiving in the nude. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’ve never in my life have felt such an urgency to LIVE. To explore and do things outside of my comfort zone. The stupidity within the government, the violence against all people, and the lack of trust between the human race is just ridiculous.
Last night it was pouring rain. I love when it rains at night; the smell,the breeze that fills the house, the sound of it hitting the floor or the roof of the cars. I sat in my living room with the front door open. The metal door was locked but the actual door was wide open. It wasn’t very late, maybe like 10pm (still not a good hour to have doors open). And a man comes up to my door and says “excuse me, excuse me”. At first I couldn’t actually see him, I could only hear his voice. I got up to get a better look. A haitian man, soaked from head to toe, was at my door. First thing that came to my mind was: uggh, he’s probably going to beg for money. It’s not uncommon for the homeless, drunks, or drug ridden to come up to open doors and ask for change or old articles of clothing. Usually I say, “no, I’m sorry, I don’t have any loose change”, of course after getting hit with the stench of alcohol on their breath. But this man did not smell of alcohol, only of garbage. His voice quivered as he said to me that he could see that I am not a racist person and that maybe I could help him out with some money so that he could get home. He told me about how after dropping a cement block on his foot he was unable to work on the construction site. He asked his employer for the money he was owed so that he could go home to his family. His employer refused and instead cut his finger off so that he would “learn” to listen. He lifted his hand and waved his shortened finger to show me. He pointed at his foot where there was visibly an open would and explained how he thought it was becoming infected.
My heart hurt for him and I signaled my boyfriend to go grab 50 pesos from the nightstand. 50 pesos wouldn’t get him home but it was help. Afterwards, I felt like a bad person for not giving him the 120 pesos thats required for him to make it all the way home. But if I would have given him the full fare…how could I be certain that he wouldn’t use it to buy drugs? I couldn’t.
Earlier today my phone rang. I picked it up, “Alo?”, I said. There was a man on the other end of the phone asking for a Ramon something and some other. I said, “no sir, you’ve got the wrong number”. He replies, “who is this?” (so annoying when they ask because obviously you’re not calling for me and if i tell you it’s a wrong number, do me a favor and hang up!) to which I then reply “Eileen”.
– “Yes, Eileen.”
– “Eileen from where?”
– “Eileen from Gazcue” <— i’m suucchh an idiot.
– “okay, thank you”
Now I can’t help to think, what if i just fell into some ploy from some criminal and he’s going to try to rob my house now??? I mean he didn’t need to know where I was from. Face in palm currently.
It’s more upsetting that I (we) have to change my whole way of thinking in order to adapt to the changes taking place in this world. It’s no fun looking over your shoulder every couple of minutes to make sure you aren’t the next target of police brutality, rape, robbery, murder, fraud, etc. Some may think I’m over exaggerating, but I’m living in a country where people pose as internet/cable repairmen and next thing you know your house has been robbed clean. I’m also very sure that even in the US there are people who can relate to how I’m feeling here thousands of miles away.
My point is, before I do become a target of any kind of injustice, I’m going to LIVE. I’m going to try my hardest to let go of everything and everyone holding me back from doing so. And you should do. Because the world is going to shit.
YOLO is becoming very real ya’ll.