I’m in the process of deleting some of the more personal posts I have on tumblr from years ago but some of them I thought maybe people will be able to relate to. Or if you’re the sort of person who likes to read other peoples’ really personal thoughts, some of these may be worth the read. I try not to get too personal here on wordpress because I want to keep it light, I don’t want to treat it as a diary. Also, I’m not as comfortable showing my vulnerable side to anyone, not even complete faceless strangers on the internet. That wasn’t so much the case back then though. Lol.
Nov. 17, 2012
muddy muddy mind
One time i thought maybe if i make myself feel bad about my body it would motivate me to change and stay on the path to weight loss. Let me just tell you it was one of the most stupidest ideas ive ever had in my life. I was emotionally abusing myself. I would get up from bed after having sex with my bf and write really mean things about my body on my dry erase board, read it over again and just cry. Im pretty sure i fell into depression. And ppl telling me that i look fine did not help AT ALL. When ppl tell me that, i feel like they think im some kind of idiot. Like, am i not the one ripping my pants and not having anything to wear because i cant fit into things that i used to be able to fit into a couple months ago? Bc im pretty sure thats what im going through and not you. Im scared that im gonna ending blaming and resenting or even hating my boyfriend for Not wanting to take that walk or spend the day at the park or being my workout buddy and instead wanting to lay around all day scarfing down pizza twice a week. I know what my problem is i just dont know how to fix it. And i dont know how to get back to that person i was when i used to spend an hour working out in the garage everyday or working out alongside a vhs of billy blanks, or just blasting my favorite cd and dancing for hours after school. And all of my accord. I decided to focus on my studies and i would write messages to encourage myself to study and i started to feel better about myself. Not because i was doing anything about my weight but just because i wasnt focusing on it. But recently ive noticed that ive been eating terribly again. the pressures of going home for the holidays heavier than the last year and my family pointing it out is not something i look forward to. This blog is never ending and i can write how i feel for hours but im gonna leave it at this for now. Dont worry though i will not be emotionally abusive to myself. I dont wanna ever have to go through that again.